Motherhood...a gift I'm so thankful for!

When I was very young, before I was ever a mother, I began to dream about what I wanted for a family. I thought, ideally, I would love to have a son first and then a daughter a couple of years later. After all, every big brother should have a little sister to dote on and every little sister should have a big brother to protect her. That was my dream. I shared it with others, but mostly it was a prayer, a request to God. Several years later…

When I became pregnant, I somehow knew. I knew I was carrying a son before anyone could tell me. Yet I knew that even if I was wrong, God knew what was best for me and my family. When Zachary David Farrell was born on May 26, 1994 he entered the world with the nickname “Little Warrior.” Zachary fought through a long labor & delivery to enter this world and began life with a scrape on the back of his head. Sporting his first wound, he became a little warrior on the same day that I became a Mother. I remember the joys of being a new Mom. Soft baby skin, tender moments, selfless love…Getting up at all hours, changing diapers, taking naps just to get through the day but mostly feeling honored to deeply love and nurture this little baby boy. As Zac grew, so did our bond. When he was little, I loved his sweet voice so much that I recorded it on tape so I would never forget the sound of him. I took no less than a gazillion pictures of Zac and saved every last preschool and Sunday school project. Zac has changed a lot over the years, but some things will never change. Zac is a gift to my life. My first born son and an answer to prayer. I loved being a Mommy then, I love being a Mom now and I’ll love being Zac’s Mom forever.

When I became pregnant, I somehow knew. I knew I was carrying a daughter before anyone could tell me. Yet I knew that even if I was wrong, God knew what was best for me and my family. This was becoming something special between God and me. As I trusted in his will, he was giving me the desires of my heart. When Kayla Jode Farrell was born on October 18, 1996 she entered the world so fast there wasn’t any time for pain medication and her tentative mother learned she was capable of natural childbirth (not that it was my choice at the time!) I remember being struck at how this baby girl was so dainty; even as a baby she was ALL girl. From day one she was such a Mama’s girl. She loved to be held, loved to snuggle, and I’ll admit without any shame that it was hard for me to put her down. I remember when she’d cry in the night, I’d bring her into bed to nurse and she’d fall asleep within seconds. I can still remember how the warmth of her soft cheeks felt resting on my shoulder and the tickle of baby breath on my neck. I gained a fresh understanding of a mother’s dedication with two small children to care for. Afternoon naps were no longer an option, I was exhausted and on duty at all hours of the day. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Kayla was such a content baby and I felt so blessed to be her mother. As she grew, I loved the sound of her calling me by name. Everytime she said “Mama” my heart would just melt. It still does. Kayla has changed a lot over the years, but some things will never change. Kayla is a gift to my life. The daughter I prayed for. An answered prayer. I loved being a Mama then, I love being a Mama now and I’ll love being Kayla’s Mom forever.

When I became pregnant, I somehow knew. I knew I was carrying a daughter before anyone could tell me. Yet I knew that even if I was wrong, God knew what was best for me and my family. Christian and I were pleasantly surprised to find out we were pregnant. Several times throughout my pregnancy, I told Christian “God is giving you a daughter to soften up your rough edges.” We would laugh and laugh. Yet we knew that Maisie was such a gift from God. His timing was perfect. Maisie was given to us at a time when my heart was broken. The devastation that followed divorce, the pain of seeing the kids hurt, the challenge of rebuilding our lives. When Little Miss Maisie Rose was born on November 2, 2004 she entered the world with a very special place. Born into a stepfamily, she was the person we all had in common. She’s a daughter and she’s a sister and we are all crazy about her. Maisie is a force…sometimes a force that needs to sit on the naughty step but often a force to be celebrated. She is a fierce combination of strong will and gentle spirit, her father and mother combined. Maisie has changed a lot over the years, but some things will never change. Maisie is a gift to my life. A present from God at a time I so needed to know how much He loved me. A demonstration of God’s grace. I loved being a Mama then, I love being a Mama now and I’ll love being Maisie’s Mom forever.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that I am also thankful for my role as a stepmom. I love Collin. But I knew loving Collin meant I needed to respect that he has a mom who loves him, so we never pushed for him to view me as a mother figure. From the beginning, Christian and I made a decision to set aside our desire to be seen as an intact, biological family and trade it for loving our children for who they really are. I hope I can be a good example to him of what it means to love his Dad. I hope I can be a positive force that speaks truth and love into his life. I hope, by faith, that one day we will stand together on the rock and the wounds of the past will be healed. I love the sound of Collin coming home. I love it when he sits on the kitchen counter and visits with me while I cook. I love the sound of his laughter. Collin has changed a lot over the years, but some things will never change. Collin is a gift to my life. I loved being a stepmom then, I love being a stepmom now and I’ll love being Collin’s stepmom forever.